Pick Me!

While waiting for planting season, I've had a revelation. Gardening centres are like bars for older people. Now, some of these older people may still be in their mid-twenties, but all gardeners have old souls.  And the one thing all the generations have in common is our longing for colour. For an end to the dirty white snow and dead brown ground that follows that final melt. Let's face it. Once the Christmas decorations come down, we find ourselves passing the gardening aisles with their patio sets and sunbrellas and dreaming about flowers. 

We all have our favourites. While some love roses, I think they're too uptight. Their blossoms open slowly, transforming from a tight bud to a modest bloom. By the time they're fully open, they're half dead. Even then, you can tell they're holding back. If you compared a rose to a girl from a '70's romance novel, she'd have died without a carnal thought in her head. A few chaste kisses, some light petting and she'd have shown you the door.

Peonies, on the other hand, are the bar flies of the flower world. Their extravagant but short lived blooms draw the eye of everyone passing through the garden. Of course, their promise is short lived. After a number of days...maybe a week...they start to droop. Some brief moments of glory, and it's all over. Next thing you know, the petals are falling off and the blooms are ragged around the edges. Why? They never left the bar. And that life style is hard on a gal.

 'Remember Rita?" I picture some old drunk saying. "She was beautiful, but not for long." Not that he could talk. "Buddy, you're a 4" tall Alyssum," his drunk friend says."You're short and boring. Give it a rest." Even a bar fly has her fans.

Then there's the common Marigold flower. The 'shouters' of the garden, whether potted or placed protectively around the vegetables. It's why they're so effective against pests. They're loud. Eventually, their noisy voices wear the pests out until finally, they give up. At night, I picture the vegetables saying, "For God's sake, be quiet! We're trying to sleep!"

Geraniums of all colours show best when they're full and round, with all their petals in place. Like models strutting the runway, hair done, makeup immaculate. But they're also brilliant at hanging in there, and not too fussed about being watered, either. I discovered that during last year's evacuation. They're brave in all kinds of weather, and even though they love the sun, they do okay in the shade. For part of a day, anyway. You can count on them, and I like a dependable flower. They're pretty inside or out, even when cut and placed in a vase. But they're always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Even the white blossoms.

Petunias are much the same. A little more demanding, given their need for dead heading. I swear I hear them calling me from across the yard. "What are you waiting for? Pull the dead blossoms, lady!" Their idea of looking pretty is to pout and droop down the sides of their containers. It's like they're constantly auditioning for a role. "Look at me! I'm not tired...I'm just pretending!" They're hardy, so it's easy to take them for granted. 

My favourite flower is the begonia, especially the yellow ones. I like it when they get big and blousy, like a southern belle past her prime but still looking terrific. If they get enough shade, they last well into cooler weather. They like compliments, so I offer them plenty when I pass their containers beside my front door. "You're beautiful, ladies," I say. (Maybe they're not all female? I'm not a botanist...what do I know.)

My least favourite bloom in the garden is the wild daisy. They're so sneaky. One minute you're admiring your perennials, and the next, there's a two foot tall bunch of daisies plunked down in the middle of the hostas, or squatting against the primroses. They're aggressive, and they spread quickly, like a gang moving in to take over the neighborhood.

 "You sons of bitches," I've been known to shout when I spot them.  Occasionally, this frightens folks passing by. "I wasn't talking to you!" I call out to them.

I've told you about mine,now please share your favourites. I'm not very good at remembering names, so add a picture in the comments, if you're able. And keep an eye on your peonies this summer. Their blooms are so short lived. And whatever you do, don't let them anywhere near the wine. 

 

We All Fall Down

 In my last blog post, I told you all about my Blepharospasm diagnosis. It didn't really hit me when I found out in September. Its quirky name tracked with my Odd Duck Syndrome. And I thought, Okay. I can do weird. I kind of live there. And, except for no longer driving out of town, not a lot changed.

On March 2, I arrived at the Winnipeg airport, popped my suitcase onto the escalator and rode to the top. As occasionally happens, my eyes spasmed and I didn't lift up the suitcase in time. Instead, it flew back against me, throwing me down the stairs where my bootlace got caught and the stairs kept moving and my suitcase bounced on top of my head.

It took a while to pull my bootlace loose, push my suitcase up and grab onto the plate above the stairs to haul myself up. The worst part was how old it made me feel. I'm not this person, I thought as I headed out to meet my brother in law, Bob. I climbed into his car, looking like I'd spent a few hours being tortured. My hands were bleeding, my left side was covered in a massive purple bruise and a rib was pushed out of place. 

Linda and Bob cleaned and bandaged my hands and the next day I flew to Calgary. Two chiropractor appointments and one massage later, I still felt a bit messed up. This is not me, I kept thinking. 

When I flew back to Winnipeg, my neurologist put four botox shots into my forehead to help slow the eye spasms. For the first three days, aside from a headache, I felt well. On day four, I woke up with double vision and a sagging left eyelid. According to the Blepharospasm support site, this results from too much botox in one spot. Or, you accidentally rubbed your forehead. 

When I got home, I started taping my eyes open. If they hung down even a little bit, my vision would double. Today it's two weeks after my appointment, and my eyes are beginning to adjust. I can read for longer periods, and the TV isn't split in two when I'm watching a show. 

But I confess to feelings of self pity during these episodes. Mostly because it changed how I see myself. I'm strong, independent and fit for my age.( Right? Thank you! I agree!) And yet, this experience took my self confidence down about 20 notches. It's been so humbling. But it's been a revelation, too. 

Because, we all fall down. In one way or another, we all have to come to terms with certain limitations as we age. For some, it's disability from cancer treatments. For others, it's a newly diagnosed heart condition, or diabetes, or kidney disease or arthritis. Most of us aren't outliers like my healthy Uncle Lionel who lived to a hundred and two.

At some point in our lives, all of us will experience unexpected and difficult moments. And when (some of us) are lying wherever we've fallen, staring up at the ceiling and wondering what just happened, the answer to our survival is not more whining. It's gratitude:

Thank you for my warm bed. Thank you for my car.

Thank you for grocery stores and food in the fridge. Thank you for fridges.

Thank you for my siblings and my children. Thank you for my friends.

Thank you for Canadian health care. It's not perfect, but unlike in many other countries, the wolf is not at the door when a family member needs a second cancer surgery.

Thank you for books and television and movie theatres and our local Drive In, and for all the traveling I've done in the past that opened my eyes to the truth about my life. That it's good. That's its valuable and precious and worth living. That we all fall down, but with the help of others, like my neurologist and my friends and family who give me rides and spend time with me, we take those extended hands and we get up again. 

There will come a day when we don't get up. When we lie there, and loved ones whisper, 'She's gone.' But that's okay. Like birth, death is a part of life. And for  those believers like me, after the trauma of death comes the good part... the door to our next life opens and we meet God and all our dead loved ones. For those who believe that death is truly the end, there's peace in that, too. 

The thing about aging is, you learn a few things. Mostly, that the part of your life where you need to be the bravest is often near the end of it. That's when things get hard. So when you see someone walking with a cane because they've had a knee replacement, or sitting in a wheelchair because their legs don't work anymore, think of them as a soldier enduring some final battles. There are people who experience daily pain. Somehow, they cope, often without letting on to the rest of us about how they're feeling. We don't think about these things when we're young. 

For those growing older, all we can do is pick ourselves up. And reach out to the person lying next to us. Because the best way to get through life is to take the time to be someone else's gift. I learned that from my sister, Susan. The best part of aging is learning the power of compassion. Not just for other people, but for ourselves, too. 

So, be kind to yourself. Forgive your mistakes, and your 'What's that person's name?' moments. And be kind to everyone else. They may be fighting a battle you know nothing about.  

Odd Duck Syndrome

 I've not received an official diagnosis for ODS. It's just something I figured out while moving through my life.  You know how when you get old enough, you eventually find your people? You might nod at each other at social events, recognizing your similarities. You share an understanding, like when two masons give each other a certain kind of handshake. (I'm not positive about that...just guessing.) But, do these kindred spirits have kleenex in their ears because the music is too loud? Are they like certain individuals at my gym who clap hands over their ears when the fire alarm is being tested? While at a party, you might find them alone in a room, reading a book instead of mingling. (This is not me...I'm a massive mingler, as was my husband. We used to get home and say to each other, 'You never shut up for a moment!) But I know people who fall into this category, and recognize the unique sweetness of their ODS.

I'm not sure how our parents coped with raising seven quirky children. I picture their worried conversations at bedtime when we were young.  My mom asking my dad,  "When they're watching TV, is it normal for Judy and Susan to share a cold pillow while holding onto each other's ear lobes and sucking their thumbs at the same time?"(Sometimes we'd have to fetch another pillow, because the first wasn't cold enough.)  I picture my dad shrugging. "They're quiet...that's good, right?" 

 I'm too embarrassed to tell you how long this self soothing behaviour lasted. But we were certainly in school by the time we outgrew it. 

I know that some of my odd duck syndrom stems from having a slight case of ADHD. I don't have any of the H, but the rest is fairly accurate. Though never once did my husband tell me that I have a stimming habit. Basically, I sing the same verse of a song over and over  again out loud without realizing I'm doing it. This, I've since discovered, can drive my children insane. It's one of the things I'd love to ask my dead spouse about. Did he even notice? 

I'm not what you'd consider obsessively clean, but I have a problem with untidy shopping carts. When I'm returning mine, I'm deeply bothered by the ones haphazardly scattered around the parking lot. Anyone watching me would feel certain that I work for the store, as I move the ones that were left in the wrong spot, and make sure everything is lined up carefully. It's a thing. I can't stop myself. And frankly, it seems inconsiderate that everyone else isn't as concerned about it. The world would be a better place if everyone started placing things properly. We could start there and just watch how the political landscape improves. Perhaps Putin would hear the story about Canada's tidy shopping carts and say, 'That's it, I'm done with my attempts at world domination. These people are so organized and careful, they're simply unbeatable!'

On the other hand, I can notice a dropped kleenex on the floor of my living room, and walk by it all day, thinking, hmm. That doesn't belong there. And yet it takes 

a while for my brain to get to the next step, which is, why don't I pick it up? 

But the most ODS experience I've had so far is a recent diagnosis of a condition called Blepharospasm. I'd never heard of it, but I'd been having trouble with my eyes feeling dry or closing unexpectedly. In September, this condition was confirmed by a neurologist who barked out questions that had me answering like a nervous army recruit.

Then, he walked out from behind his desk and administered the 'Vulcan Pinch.' If you've never watched Star Trek, the move involves pinching someone's shoulder very close to their neck. "Ow!" I said. (He was checking for other dystonia symptoms, but I didn't know that.)

"Sit up straight!" he replied in a commanding voice. I did. In fact, I was already sitting up straight. You know how you want to make a good impression with specialists, as if  'good patient' behaviour means they'll automatically give you the 'all clear?' I was in that headspace. 

He gave me a lecture about posture, and without warning, pushed a shot of lidocaine into my upper back as well as 4 units of botox above my eyebrows. Apparently, this 'relaxes' the eye muscles and slows down this spastic habit. As soon as I heard the word spastic, I was thrown back into high school, where 'You Spaz!' was a favourite insult. And for people like me, the shoe already fit. I didn't need that word thrown at me to understand the truth of it. 

For instance, while working at the Rex Theatre during high school, I fell down a long staircase, thus earning the nickname, Max. (For non-boomers, he was a sixties TV character who was... let's just say... not very competent. It didn't hurt my feelings.) Besides, we wore dresses and high heels. As ushers! Thankfully, movie theatre ushers of today wear comfortable shoes and loose fitting polyester uniforms. 

Anyway, every time I see this neurologist, I come up with new questions. Like, 'can stress cause this condition?' No. It's been sitting in my brain since before I was born. Could stress be a factor? Yes, as it turns out. It is the match that got all this started, and it happened after my sister died. Her death woke it up, though I didn't make the connection between kayaking across a lake with my eyes closed as being weird for the longest time. And I can't drive out of town anymore....I have to fly. Which is such a hassle. For instance, I can no longer buy large containers for my garden at Home Sense, or go to Costco to spend $400 on things I don't need. I miss that. And occasionally when I'm walking around my house, I don't recognize that my eyes are closed and I walk into a wall. But for the most part, it just feels like something I would naturally do.

I still feel like I live a blessed life. Other than this eye thing, I'm healthy. But if you see me walking down the street blinking obsessively, know that it's just my Odd Duck Syndrome showing up. Or my blepharospasm. Whichever, it all feels like business as usual. So, to my ODS people, take heart. At least we have each other .And if any of you in my vicinity have blepharsopasm, please speak up. There's only 100 of us out of every million people who have it, after all. But Odd Ducks are a dime a dozen. Just ask everyone.

I've Got the Power!

 A few days ago, I forgot to plug in my car on a -40C night. It was parked inside my poorly insulated garage when I went to start it, and it made a clicking noise followed by a groaning sound. I tried again. My school of thought is always, maybe it just isn't ready yet. Hopeful thinking is my normal jam, but this time I had to accept that I'd been a dumbass.

The hardest thing for me in these kinds of situations is how mad I get at myself. I don't literally smack myself around the head, but I always feel like a kid waiting in the principal's office. I breathed in and out, then phoned someone for a ride to church. Donna Hurst left choir practice to pick me up. 

When I got home, I found my Nautilus power pack info in my file folder of manuals. Let me be clear. These manuals are never straightforward enough for people like me. We need someone from the company to show up in person. To stroke our hair and kiss our cheeks and say, "Everything will be okay. Let me walk you through this.' But that is not part of any company's service policy, as far as I know.

Maybe the super rich receive that kind of treatment, but I doubt they ever worry about dead batteries in winter. They would select one of their ten other cars instead. And have them parked in a heated garage. They'd never have this kind of problem because they're always prepared. Or their chauffeur is always prepared. I never should have dropped out of Girl Guides, because of the whole, 'Always Be Prepared,' thing. 

I waited until today to place the power pack under my car hood. Whenever I embark on this kind of mission, I pretend I'm Tom Cruise or Angelina Jolie in an action movie. And the world's fate relies on me doing the right thing. Frankly, this situation makes me feel like I will: A: mess up and B: die from electrocution. And my neighbors won't find me because it's way too cold for anyone to be wandering around outside. Only when my children frantically call them will they find my body in the garage by the car. With burns. I'm not sure where the burns would be, but my imagination makes a pretty good case for everywhere. 

I shook off my nerves and went over my car's manual, repeating over and over again, 'attach the black part to any non painted metal part that does not move. It was something to that effect, but it's been six hours and my recall is less than perfect. Although I still know my times table.( Humble brag.)

Tentatively, like I was handling nitroglycerin, I placed the jumper cables, got into the car and turned the key. It started immediately. My car, whom I call Marty McFly, is a Toyota Rav, and he's way more dependable than me. I might have heard him shouting, 'Plug me in!' on Saturday night, but felt too lazy to get off the couch.

Next, it was time to disconnect. Now, this is another problem with manuals. They assume you know what to do when it's what they consider an 'easy' part. But I'd heard that you had to disconnect one colour first. Was it red or back? Fortunately, I saw my letter carrier walking past my garage and called for help. 'It doesn't matter,' she said, so I unhooked one, then the other, but placed them in different parts of the garage because I had this crazy idea that they should never touch, even once they were unhooked. ( I read too many fairy tales as a child, so everyday things tend to feel sinister under the right circumstances.)

I left Marty running for a bit and then drove around for a while. It's a good thing no one was out walking because I would have rolled down my car window and hollered at them, 'I just boosted my own car battery!' 

Many of you are probably shaking your heads and wondering how I'm still alive when I know so little about these things. Last summer, I bought a small electric saw that I have yet to figure out because the instructions don't give enough information. And in the online videos, it's always men doing the demos, and their big hands cover the important parts. And yet, after my brother showed me on four different occasions how to use my mitre saw, he finally said, 'Take a video of me doing this,' and it worked. But only because I was there to direct the movie.

I'm the most cautious person who ever camped their way across Asia. (It was mostly Clarence's idea.) So I tend to approach many things as if they're about to kill me. But now, I know how to use my power pack. It also has a USB port and two electrical outlets so I can do things like power my phone if the electricity goes out.  I wonder if it would get me through one whole episode of Heated Rivalry? (Straight men, don't bother watching. Gay men and straight women, jump right in. Although, it feels a bit creepy for someone my age because the hockey players are so young. I usally stop watching after ten minutes because I get very anxious about them and their careers. So it's going to take a while to finish the series but...okay, this is way too much information for all of you.) 

Thank you for reading...it's much better  to share with you all than to just holler into the void about this stuff. Although I've been known to do that, too. Especially when I've locked myself out of my house while taking a Swedish. If you never read about that, it's right here. 

Judith Pettersen: Search results for The Swedish

Full Body Shamer

 A few weeks ago, I decided to buy some long underwear. My old ones bagged at the knees and sagged at the waist. I looked like an 19th century cowboy climbing down from his horse for the last time. At our local Red Apple store I found a pair of Hanes with a cashmere-like inner fabric. A long-sleeve black Tee shirt completed the outfit. 

This was the look of a serious winter athlete. One who spends hours outdoors and needs to feel warm yet not bulky. I took them home, put them on and felt my athletic ability rise and my weight plummet. (Mostly because I had to suck in my stomach. Otherwise I looked like Mrs. Claus attempting a yoga workout.) So far, I've worn them for lying on the couch reading and occasionally for watching television. 

A few weeks later, I was going through security at the Winnipeg airport. I stepped confidently into the full body scanner, legs apart and arms raised. Now, for those who take a more cavalier approach, let me tell you that I do not. I wear pants with no pockets, always take off my boots, and generally treat the  scanner as a challenge I'm going to win. 

"Any change in your pockets?"

"Absolutely not," I said to The Man. My tone was that of an offended Victorian grandmother clutching her pearls. But in spite of all my convinction and effort, I didn't pass the test. Not once, twice or three times. They beckoned me out of the scanner, the two transportation security officers frowning as they walked around me.  At one point they stepped back, like I might be packing grendades under my clothes. After a cartoonish double take, the woman said, 'Are you wearing two pairs of pants?' 

Giving my tummy a reassuring pat, I said, "Well, yeah. Sometimes it's cold on the plane." 

"Tug that inner waistband up. No, go higher. Higher than that." 

By this point, I'd given myself a serious wedgie. "I feel like Steve Urkel," I said.  They just stared at me.  'Never mind," I sighed, and muttered, 'what is happening here?" They didn't answer me.  Once back in the scanner, they had me widen my stance and lift my arms even higher. It finally worked.

 "You can go now," the woman said. "But pack your exra pants next time. And put them on at the airport."

 "They're not extra pants...."  I'd lost them. They were already busy torturing another passenger.

After this kind of experience, I long for someone dangerous to follow behind me in the lineup. Someone they'll have to chase through the airport. Then I could justifiably say, 'Why are you bothering with my long underwear?" Alas, nobody else gave them any trouble. 

I don't know what it was with me. Too much fabric?  Long underwear in general? Those machine don't like things that are hidden. But come on. Everyone layers in winter. Even at the airport. Right?

Here is a photo of the long underwear I bought. This is not me in the picture, but let's pretend it is.

Seat Mate

 I recently attended a reunion with folks Clarence and I travelled with in 1978. From Istanbul to Kathmandu, we hunkered down together in the back of an old army truck, bitching about the cold, the 4:30 AM breakfasts and many, many other tribulations. It felt a bit like a four month season of Survivor. No million dollar prize, but some forever friends were made.

Occasionally, my seat mates were the singing Lesbos sisters, (named for an infamous vodka-induced song fest around the campfire near the Isle of Lesbos.) We often sat together on the truck, carolling away while ignoring the resigned looks around us. Not everyone wants to be serenaded while feeling irritated, hungry and cold. 

Another seatmate I remember is Bill Hiley, who along with me, contracted the egg burps while visiting Khabul, Afghanistan. Bill and I were made to sit in the back of the truck, our heads sticking through the opening in the canvas as we belched away. 'My God, that's disgusting!' I'd tell him, before expelling my own sulfurous burps. If you've never had foul smelling gas rocketing from your mouth, you can't possibly understand the group's need to isolate us. We hung out the back like a pair of unhappy dogs.

My favourite seat mate was my husband, who famously said, 'Wouldn't it be fun to travel in the back of an army truck with a bunch of strangers? It'll be warm in Asia...let's bring summer sleeping bags!' I salute you, honey, but we should have checked the weather. Who knew it would snow in Turkey? I mean, we camped the whole way. 

We lifted a glass in your memory, and read aloud your quotes. A group favourite was, 'You know you've got a tapeworm when you reach down to wipe your butt and something shakes your hand."

On my way to England, I sat beside a woman from the Bahamas. What made me jealous was how effortlessly she fell asleep. Nothing works for me. Not masks or ear plugs or tequila. It mystifies me how people can fall asleep sitting upright with everyone coughing, sighing and snoring all around them.

Flying home, my seat mate was a lovely man who chatted with me for a few hours before easily falling asleep. He woke up just in time for the midnight drink cart and my moment of humiliation. Please, let me set the stage.

For the first time in my life, I chose to travel economy plus. You don't get the flat beds there. You get a small foot rest, nicer dinners and free booze. I felt guilty about it because that tiny bit of extra space leaves a larger carbon footprint. I kept thinking, 'Oh my God, I'm turning into Jeff Bezos!'  

And then I asked the flight attendant if I could have a cup of herbal tea. 'I'm so sorry,' she said. 'But herbal tea is reserved for business class." She looked around as if to say, 'Can you believe this lady?'

I kid you not. I could have all the alchol I wanted, but a .25 herbal tea bag was a bridge too far. I might as well have asked her for a million dollars. 'You don't think it's the opportunity to lie down that convinces them to pay $5000 for the trip?'

"It's policy," she said. 

I no longer felt like Jeff Bezos. I felt like someone who had cadged a ride for free, even though I'd paid $1600 extra for my flight. Somehow, the foot rest, blanket and eye mask didn't make up for the tea bag. The guy beside me said, "That's so cheap, it's unbelievable!' Then he went back to sleep. 

My seat mate on the flight to Calgary was Asian. The outstanding thing about him was how still he sat. He faced straight ahead, his eyes half closed and his arms lightly crossed like he was lying in a coffin. I think he was meditating, but I interrupted him with a compliment and an apology.

 "You're so still! I don't know how you do it!" He gave me a look, but I kept going. "I'm like a meth addict. I can't stop moving. Like, right now, I'm trying to find my gum (I was rummaging through my purse) and I need to change my kindle for my kobo and put my sweater away. Honestly, I'm so sorry!'

 He gave me another look. Was it pity? Condemnation? I couldn't tell, he was so poker faced. Then, he started doing this tapping thing. His arms were still crossed as he began running his fingers across his shoulders and neck. I was about to ask him what he was doing, but his very stillness was its own warning. Meekly, I sat back and shut up. 

We don't get to pick the people sitting beside us on planes. Otherwise, that man would never have chose me. However, I've seen people sigh in relief when they realize they'll be sitting next to me and not the six foot eight, two hundred and fifty pound guy right behind me. (Unfortunately, they don't understand what lies ahead.) 

But we can decide who we sit next to in life. Friends choose each other. They sit to the right and left of us in coffee shops, in church, while attending a play or meeting up at book clubs and card nights. No explanation is needed regarding fidgeting or inappropriate comments...they know us at our best and worst. And still, they choose the seat. 

So, here's to all our favourite seat mates...our spouses and friends, the organizations we join and the folks we choose to work beside. When the world feels like too much, these people know how we feel before we've said a thing. And another great thing about it? The first class friendship ride is free. Take that, Ms. cheapskate flight attendant!

The Bite

 Last night I was awakened by the most intense itching sensation on my right arm,  halfway between my bicep and tricep muscles. Not that there's much muscle to talk about...I halt my gym attendance in the summer because I work hard in the garden. Although lately I've been enjoying lying around and reading my book. I justify this because of the evacuation this summer. It makes no sense, but, you know. It was an unsettling time. I need to reward myself for  (please fill in the blank.)

Anway, the itching grew so intense that I sat up in bed to search my nightstand for something to quell the pain. I found some minty cream typically used for sore muscles. It kind of worked. Next, I used my phone's flashlight to check the bedsheets. Nothing there at all. It worried me.

I thought about pulling the curtains back, but I was still pretending that I wasn't really awake and would soon be back in a deep sleep. Also, I was afraid of what I might find. Perhaps a small vampire bat who'd died after sending his friends an echolocation message. 'O my God, get over here...this blood is delicious! I think she ate popcorn last night...the sweet kind!'

My other fear was finding a tall skinny man hiding there, his lips smeared with my blood. 'I'm so sorry,' he'd say in a polite British accent,' but your blood is so delicious that I had to call a friend.' And then an even creepier thing would step out from behind the curtains. (Please don't wait for a description of this creature...I just couldn't let myself create one more disturbing image.) 

After ensuring that the bed was empty (no vicious, otherworldly spiders) I climbed in, spent about five minutes longing to scratch my arm in spite of the minty lotion, and fell back asleep. I awoke in the morning feeling victorious, like I'd just climbed Mount Everest or swum the English channel. I longed for a journalist to beg me for an interview. Because, that's how miraculous it feels to fall back asleep when you're convinced it will never happen.

My arm is still tender and a bit itchy, but it looks better than it did in the light of my cellphone. So all is well. But you'd better believe I'll be searching my room thoroughly at bedtime, just to make sure it doesn't happen again. Because as I learned during childhood, there may be creepy, crawlies everywhere, but the scariest thing of all is your own imagination. 

Until next time, dear reader. (Next blog, I mean. Not next bite. Hopefully.)