If I Were in Charge of Time

 I was listening to the Current on CBC radio, where professor Rob Cockcroft discussed the construct of time. In other words, humans created the idea of time. Five thousand years ago, people like the Babylonians and Egyptians decided they needed to measure the day in hours. "The slaves are working 24/7 on that pyramid," boasted sun dial makers in that week's Papyrus. "But everyone else needs a bit more rest."

I learned that in either June or December, one second of extra time, a leap second, is added to the year's tally. The rotation of the earth isn't as predictable as we've been led to believe. (But what is? A question for the ages.) And it's slowing down...something to do with melting glaciers and rising rock. Anyway. To add a second, you actually stop time FOR a second. Since everyone's trying to save money these days, I pictured the people in charge asking for volunteers to keep an eye on the atomic clock. Since I donate my time regularly at church and in my community, I might be the perfect candidate. 

Ah, but therein lies the folly. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when the scientists yell, 'Now, Judy! Stop the clock for one second!' —

—I will be finishing an exciting chapter in the Lord of the Rings trilogy that I've already read 13 times because it comforts me.( If Frodo and Sam can defeat the dark Lord, maybe the same will happen in November for our southern neighbors. Anyway.) I'd look up at them with bewildered eyes, my mouth ajar, perhaps a drip of saliva descending from my lips. 'What?' I'd say. They'd throw their arms in the air, then shrug it off, deciding to add two seconds in 2025 instead. 

Someone (I'm sure they have a name) has come up with the idea that instead of adding these seconds, they should wait sixty years and add a whole minute to the clock. I can just see the world when that happens. All the hockey players around the world will rest on their sticks while the fans wait, checking their cellphones. A guy on death row will lie there for a full extra minute as the warden waits for the signal. (But not in Canada. Instead, we torture people with endless years of waiting for a trial date. But I digress.) Let's face it, the whole thing could get very messy.

In conclusion, if they ever seek a volunteer, don't allow it to be me. 'Get me to the church on time,' is my mantra every Sunday, for a reason. Anything more, I won't be able to handle. Now, where did I put my book?